During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Randomize
