Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
