dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
