I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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