K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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