Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
