I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
false alarm, still single
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
