I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
