I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
