My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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