he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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