I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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