The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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