I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
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he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
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I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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