He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
