I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
