Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
