no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
