I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
