this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
