Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
