party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
