You smell like a Billy Joel song
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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