It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just gift wrapped bread.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
