I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
