i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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