If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I hope mine doesn't look like that
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
