Tell her she can't have a vagina
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
