I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
