god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
