I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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