It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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