Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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