i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
