He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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