I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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