Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I think I just shit out all my problems.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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