apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
