Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
