I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
She bit a glass in half.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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