Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
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He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
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I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far