the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
