The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
