the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
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At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
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What drink are we having for lunch?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"