you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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