so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
50% drunk capacity currently
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
