my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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