i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
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so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
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It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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