I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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