I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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