I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
