I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
