We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
