she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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