I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
