Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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