So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Randomize
