just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Vodka?
Forever.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
