I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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