and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
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dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
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Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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