I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
