Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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