made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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