i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
