Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
